


Depression in love

by attack_on_imagine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, No Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-28 07:23:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8436655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_imagine/pseuds/attack_on_imagine
Summary: This is my first fan fiction, so here's a friendly reminder that there are probably going to be a lot of misspellings. Forgive me. Also, when you're done, it be nice if you would leave a review in the comment section. Another thing is I apologize for any triggers in this. Yes, I'm aware that my title probably isn't original. I couldn't think of anything else. Sorry.





	1. ;Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction, so here's a friendly reminder that there are probably going to be a lot of misspellings. Forgive me. Also, when you're done, it be nice if you would leave a review in the comment section. Another thing is I apologize for any triggers in this. Yes, I'm aware that my title probably isn't original. I couldn't think of anything else. Sorry.

Levi's pov throughout the whole story.

Pain; physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness, or injury.

Why do I put myself through pain? Not sure, perhaps I'm depressed. At this point it doesn't matter. No one ever bothers to notice the marks and scars that scattered across my arms

and wrists. Not even my boyfriend. Although I never mentioned it to him, there's a reason. I'm sure if I were to tell him, he'd be so utterly upset, and that might lead to him not

wanting to be with me anymore. Why? Because hurting yourself is a serious matter, I may not discuss it with anyone. But like I said before, I have my reasons. It's not like I care. nor

would anyone else care. I currently attend high school, and you might see what I'm getting at. Every day, with out failure, I get bullied. At times it get to the point where I can't 

control my emotions. So then what? I turn to a razor.


	2. self inflicted actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, it's been a while! Sorry for not adding to the chapter. I've been busy with other things such as school and tutoring, and I haven't been able to keep up with this. My apologizes.

Levi's pov

Self inflicted actions. One of the worst things you can do. Of course when you're constantly getting shit from others for no reason, then this is your last resort. You think of nothing 

more than trying to find a way to end your life. Why? As simple as it sounds. When you can't find a way to make your self happy, and you're always pressured, whats the point in 

trying, when people are always telling you to give up. Perhaps I would be happier, but without certain people... 

-

The next day arrived and I hoped that the sleeping pills would work, but of course, yet again, I'm wrong. I get up from my bed, and go into the bathroom. I turn the water on to the 

shower, and begin taking off my clothes. As I get into the shower, I look down at my body. Small, and skinny, yet decorated with cuts and scars. I look terrible. Although I've always 

been skinny, starving my self added to this. There was barely any space left on my arms for me to cut. Both my arms had cuts scattered everywhere, and of course, the only thing I

could do about it is cover them with bandages, hoping no one will notice. Even if someone would notice, they wouldn't care. Unless it's the teachers. That's my only concern. I wear 

long sleeves everyday, hiding the marks beneath the bandages. If my teachers find out they'll contact my mother, the only person who even cares about me. If she ever found out 

about me self harming, she'd be so disappointed. I get out of the shower, get dressed, and brush my teeth. I wrap my lower arm in a white bandage, covering the many cuts beneath

it. My mother greets me in the kitchen. A put on a fake smile, pretending that everything is okay, when in reality it isn't. Once done getting my things ready I head for the door. An 

angelic voice calls out to me. "Levi, you haven't finished eating." "I'm not hungry..." I reply, and walk out the door.


	3. Autumn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With all honesty, I have no idea why I called the chapter "Autumn"

Levi's pov

I close the door behind me, hoping that my mother would believe me, and not figure out that I have an eating disorder. I don't know how long I can keep up with all the lies

that I'm telling. I mean, eventually someday someone will find out... I hope not. I continue walking to school, usually it's about a thirty minute walk, which isn't so bad. I 

could also drive, but I chose not to. Although I have a new classmates that live nearby me, I try my best to avoid them. After all, conflicts start if I approach them. I sigh as 

I look down at my feet, as the Autumn leaves blow past them. Autumn is my favorite season. To me it's very relaxing and beautiful. Sometimes, weather like this is the only

thing I look forward to. I'm approaching the school when behind me three of my classmates start running to me. Not a good sign! I hear one of them taunting, and calling my

name so I run, run as fast as possible until I enter the building, which isn't further off. I make it to the front entrance dashing through the door. I begin to slow down, and 

realize that I'm ten minutes early. I let out a long sigh in relief. I walk down the hall, avoiding eye contact with other students. They sneer at me. I open the door to my 

locker, and once I close it someone pushes me. I look up, only to find Jean, one of the popular students, in front of me. "Hey, we saw you earlier. Why didn't you stop to say

hello?" I don't reply staring at the ground. "Answer me when I'm speaking to you!" I receive a painful blow to my stomach. "Levi? Did you hear me?" I shake my head. 

"Good." Jean, and the rest of his friends walk off leaving me sitting on the floor. I get up, only for the entire hallway to stare at me. Small streaks of tears fall down my face, 

as I walk past the snickering faces. I feel horrible, not a good start to the day.


	4. Lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, this chapter is when shit hits the fan.

Levi's pov

Lunch came around, and I usually sit alone. Sometimes, that changes. Like today. Jean and his fellow friends, come over to my to the table I'm sitting at. I lift my head off 

the table, and look at them. "Dreaming about your boyfriend you fag?" I bury my face in the sleeves of my shirt. "Oh? Whats this?" Jean lifts my arm up, rolling the sleeves 

down. "You cut yourself, don't you Levi?" Surprised by his remark, I pull my arm away from him. "It's none of your concern what I do." "Really? If I'm correct you should go 

to a mental hospital!" "Leave me alone..." "No, I'm very concerned Levi!!" He says in a sarcastic way. "Bullshit. Can't you see that I'm not in the mood for your stupid 

games. Jean?" "Dawww you wanna play games?" He lifts my chin up with his hands, and moves closer to me. I smack him away from me. "GO AWAY!! HOW HARD IS THAT 

FOR YOU?!" "I tried helping you, but if seems like you're quite ungrateful!" You want to know why I do this? IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU!" The room gets quiet. "You asshole." 

Jean kicks me to the floor. He steps lightly on my throat. His friends surround me. In their hands, they are holding water bottles. I knew where this is going. They open the 

water and pour it over me. By then, the entire room was not only staring, but laughing, which made it worse. "Leave him alone." A familiar voice... It almost sounds like... 

Eren! He walks over to us. You can imagine how worse he made it.

-Time pass-

About an hour later or so. Jean, Eren, and I are sitting in the lobby of the main office. The principal calls us in, separately. Jean went first, then Eren, then finally, I was called 

in. "Levi." The principal looks down at me with her large brown eyes. "Why?" She grabs my arm revealing the bandage that wrapped around my arm. "Why do you do this? 

Do you realize that Jean only wanted to help you?" "No, no he didn't. He's the reason why I do this to my self. "Hm? Why is that Levi?" "Because, ever since last year he 

started bullying me for no apparent reason." "Did you start any conflicts with him?" "No!" "I'm sorry Levi, I'm having a very hard time understanding, that someone, 

someone as kind and understanding as Jean would do something like this." "B-but... It's true. Why can't you believe me?" "I'm sorry Levi... I can't." Long silence entered 

the room. "Levi, you do realize... That I'm going to have to call your mother and inform her about what you're doing..." "Yes." "We recommend you go to therapy... It's for 

the best. I walk out of the office, only to see Jean gone, and Eren sitting, waiting for me. "H-How did it go?" "Fine..." I lie. "Levi... you're not being honest. You cut yourself?

Don't you?" "Yes." "Why?" "I'm sorry Eren... It's none of your concern. Eren looks at me with a hurt expression. "Okay. Let's walk home together..."


	5. Sleeping pills and razors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter killed me.

Levi's pov

Once I arrived home, my mother wasn't back from work yet. That gave me sometime of my own. I sigh as a take my shoes off at the front door. I go upstairs to my room.

I look at the bottle of sleeping pills, then a razor across from me. I grab a paper and a pen, and in my neatest handwriting I write;

Dear loved ones,  
I'm sorry to say but this is the end.  
I know I'm weak, hopeless, and a waste of space.  
I did my best here, but I'm giving up.   
I hope you understand why I'm doing this.   
But, my final words to you are, did I really ever matter?  
Many of you have told me to stop trying, so I stopped.  
I regret everything.  
You were all right.  
My attempts are as useless as I am.  
Perhaps some of you did care for me right?  
It doesn't matter anymore.  
This is it, and iv'e reached my limit.   
I give up...  
Sincerely   
-Levi

And with that it was over and done with. Clutching the orange bottle in my hand, I pour the entire bottle of sleeping pills in my hand. I swallow, not with water, but with 

wine. The pills feel like a fire burning down my throat, as my vision blurs. My eyes close, and my vision does blank.

This is it.

It's all over.

No turning back......


	6. Lifeless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this.

Eren's pov.

Levi isn't answering my messages, or my 

Calls. Strange, usually he does. Perhaps 

He's just busy. I'll check on him later. But 

About fifteen minutes later, I receive a 

message that was sent late, due to my 

Horrible phone service.

"I'm sorry...  
This is it..."  
~Levi

My mind went blank for two seconds, 

Without thinking I run out the door, to 

Levi's house. The door was unlocked, so I 

Run inside. All the rooms were empty, so

I check up stairs. A faint coulour of red 

Was leaking into the hallway carpet. I 

Open the door to his room, only to find 

Him laying on the floor; motionless. A 

Note was left on his desk. It took me less

Then thirty seconds to find out what this

Was.... A suicide note. But why?! Perhaps

It's because of Jean, who knows? I 

Collapse on the floor next to Levi, as 

blood drains from his wrist. "Damn it!" 

I say banging my fists against the floor. 

"I can't leave him here!" A female voice 

Is heard from downstairs. "Hello?" 

Apparently, this was Levi's mom. She lets

Out a horrified scream at the sight of Levi 

Sprawled across the floor, arms full of 

Cuts, and a bottle of sleeping pills in his

Hand. "Y-you're Eren, right?" "Yes." I say

Getting up from the floor. "I'm sorry, but 

Are you really going to witness your son

Die in front of you?! DO SOMETHING!" 

"I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say."

She calls for an ambulance. 

Time pass.  
~  
I arrive at the hospital with Levi's mom 

Who drove me with her. "Surprisingly, 

he's still alive." A sigh of relief is 

released from the both of us. "We highly 

recommend therapy." The nurse remarks.

"Is it okay if a therapist comes to visit 

Levi next week?" A long pause of silence 

Entered the room. "Yes." Levi's mother 

answers.


	7. Therapy, hospitals, and anti-depressants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is way too long, and took me over and hour to write.

Levi's Pov  
I open my eyes, unaware of where I am. I hear faint voices in the background. "Levi!" An angelic voice comes from nearby. I then realize it's my mother. Why am I here?  
"Levi, how are you feeling?" I say silent. "Levi?" "I'm fine, leave me alone." My mother looks hurt, so I apologize. "Sorry..." "It's fine... May I ask you something?" I knew this one was coming. I know she's going to ask me why I did it. I'm sure there's enough evidence as it is, but it really doesn't matter. I'll probably consider doing it again anyway. This time, I'll make sure I'm successful. "Are you going to answer my question?" I nod my head. "Okay. Why, why did you turn to your last resort? Do you even realize how concerned I was? Your friend too." "He's not my friend." "Oh, well..." A long silence enters the room. "Do you want to be left alone?" I stay silent, again. My mother gets up from a chair and walks down the hall. She left my phone on a table nearby. I attempt getting up, but I fall to the ground, as if I were carrying bricks on my back. I look down, and notice the many wires attached to my body. "The hell is this for?" I attempt to get up, but once more, I fall down. My attempts are useless. A nurse walks into my room followed by a blonde man, who looks like he's in his thirties or so. The nurse walks over to me, helping me to the bed. Then she walks out closing the door. "Your name's Levi, right?" "Yes, and yours?" "Erwin." I then realize what's happening. The man, Erwin, was carrying a bag full of papers, documents, and a bottle of perception pills for whatever reason. "So... Your nurse, and mother have informed me that you attempted suicide, am I correct?" I look down at my arms, which were full of cuts, and faded scars. There's no way I could possibly lie about this, when the evidence is in front of everyone. "Y-yes." I say stuttering. "I see... May I take a look?" He walks over to the bed, and as frightened as I am, I hide my arms under the sheets. "Levi, you have to show me, please." I refuse, hiding them behind my back. "It made scene as to why they didn't put bandages on them. I sigh, pulling one arm up. Satisfied, he takes it gently, and looks. "Oh... That's quite a lot of cuts that you have there... Is there a particular reason as to why you did this?" "I'm not telling." I say stubbornly. "Please... I know you don't want to, but this is for your own good. Trust me." I look up at his eyes. "Fine, it's because everyday I go through constant bullshit." "Oh, sorry to hear, but there's no need to resort to cursing. Mind giving a little more details." I sigh. "No, that's all I'm saying. I don't care if you wan to help me or not. Either way, you're not going to get a proper response from me." "Okay then. I'll leave it as that." He reaches into his bag for something. "Levi, this is for you. Everyday you're going to have to take these." I take one look at the bottle, and realize that it's nothing but anti- depressants. "Do you feel comfortable taking these daily?" "Sure." I say. Great! Another way to kill myself! "This is for your doctor to give to you. I'm sorry, but you can't take these on your own. I know what will eventually end up happening, if put into your hands Levi." The small hope that's left in my body of ending my life, vanishes. "Fuck you!" I say letting the words slip out of my mouth. "Mind your language." Erwin says patiently. "Well Levi, I really do hope this helps you. In some ways. See you tomorrow." He says smiling. A nurse comes in, and Erwin gives her the anti-depressants. Erwin leaves, and the nurse walks in. "I suppose you have to take these." She hands me a cup of water, and one massively large pill. I take it, and swallow. "Good." She gets up, and makes her way to the door. "Nurse!" I say. "Can you pass me that?" I say pointing to my phone. "Here you suicidal maniac." She says throwing it to me. It falls near the bed. She walks out the door, and I struggle to pick it up. Once I do, I notice I have 179 text messages, all from Eren. "Fucking brat..." A recent one pops up saying. "I just got out of class. I'm on my way to see you! Feel better." Great, another person questioning me about my actions. I close my eyes. About ten minutes later, Eren knocks on my door. I stick up my middle finger, sinking into the bed. "Levi!" He runs over to me, as I bury my face into the pillow. "Fuck off, I'm not in the mood." Eren grabs my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Please... Look up at me." I turn around, looking up at him. "What?" He embraces me into a hug. "LET GO OF ME! JUST FUCK OFF!!" Eren refuses, so I push him off as hard as I can, causing him to lose his balance, and fall to the floor. "Levi..." "Go away! You're the reason I'm here! You'll never understand why I did this! Perhaps you should do it yourself, and end your life just as I do!" "W-why would I want to do that Levi, and why would you say something as negative as that?" "Because, you should consider feeling how I feel for once!" "I do, I feel depressed at times, but I would never resort to cutting." "Oh that's right! I forgot that you're PERFECT." "SHUT UP! I'M NOT PERFECT, AND NEITHER ARE YOU! JUST PLEASE! FOR ONCE, CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING LISTEN!" "NO! I REFUSE TO! CAN'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF, AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I DON'T WAN'T TO BE BOTHERED. THIS IS WHY I WANT TO KILL MY SELF AGAIN!" "Please... Please Levi, consider what you just said." Eren puts a little note, followed by a small box on the table, and heads out the door.


	8. Giving up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As my dear friend once said. "Yikes!"

Eren's pov  
I look behind me watching Levi crawl back under the covers, completely ignoring what I just said. Perhaps it really isn't worth it. I make my way down stairs, heading outside to my car. I get it, and before driving off. I stop for a moment. Should I go back, and apologize? No, I'm sure if I do I'll make it much worse. So I carry on. I drive past the hospital, forgetting the actions I was just considering doing. I pass by a small bridge that Levi and I would walk over on our way to school. In fact, that was the place we first met. I remember. It was in the eighth grade, a few weeks after the first day of school. Apparently at that time Levi was getting bullied for whatever reason. One day, when walking home from school, I saw him. He was trying to jump over the edge, thinking that it would be best to kill himself. So instead of passing by, I grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him away from the edge. He tried to tell me he wasn't worth saving, and how he would just be at peace if he died, but I made him a promise. I promised him that I would be his friend, and no matter what I would defend him, no matter how bad the situation was. And so I did. But now being out last year in high school, I didn't expect him to go that far. I thought, for sure the bulling would stop. But it didn't, instead it worsened. He turned to his last resort as a way to end his problems, a way to end his life. Perhaps I was too harsh, and I know he's not the type to forgive easily, but it's at least worth trying, right? I parked my car in the driveway, heading inside my small house that I shared with my older sister, Mikasa. I hang up my jacket by the front door, and go upstairs. I go into the bathroom, and do the worst thing possible. I cut. I cut beneath the skin, making every cut count. Blood pours out of my skin, sure to leave scars later. Tears stream down my face, as I drop the bloody razor, and collapse against the wall. "Why?" I say out loud. Why put yourself through so much pain, when there are many more options... Before I could clean the floor, and wrap a bandage around my arm, my sister walks in. Shit!


	9. Don't leave me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm five seconds from kms. This is not a fucking joke. I have depression + anxiety, and no one ever takes that into consideration... I'm going to spend the rest of my day crying and listening to the Colress theme + encounter music, while I continue to be a fat-ass. Huhhhhh.

Eren's pov.  
Mikasa, my sister walks into the bathroom with a shocked face. "EREN." That's all she manages to say. Ah yes, perhaps I handled this too wrong. I should have considered doing this at a different time. "GET OVER HERE." I get up, walking to her. "What the hell is this?! Is there a purpose for you resorting to self harm?" She says as she lifts up my arm, which is still bleeding. "It's simply none of your concern." "None of my concern? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I leave the bathroom, locking my self in my bedroom.  
~  
The next morning I awake to the rain trickling down the roof. I look though the window, and notice Mikasa had already left. My sheets were covered in blood from my arm. I decide to leave that for later, and head off to school. I completely forget about eating, and walk out the door. Since it is raining, I decide to drive instead. As I do, I pass by the bridge that I met Levi back in the eighth grade. Levi... I stop driving for a second. Should I? I turn my car around, going in a different direction. Today I would skip school, just to see Levi. As I speed through the side roads I think about Mikasa. Perhaps she was really concerned more than angry. I had my reason, and my reason was out of pure curiosity. I reach the hospital, the one Levi's in. I park my car, and enter the building. Once upstairs in Levi's room I notice the room was empty, and the door was open. What could this mean? Did Levi go somewhere with a nurse, or his therapist? But soon enough my question was answered. A nurse walks into Levi's room, carrying a bottle of pills. "Excuse me, have you seen Levi, the patient in this room?" I ask politely. "No, I was just looking for him... His therapist is supposed to be here by now and..."With out her finishing her sentence, I run to the roof of the building. I come to my final conclusion. He's probably trying to attempt suicide again! Once I reach the top of the roof, there he is. Without doubt, I knew he was trying to do it again. "Levi!" I say, practically screaming. He turns around looking at me. I walk over to him, thinking like that's any good. "What is it Eren?" "P-please..." I grab him by the arm, preventing him from any further harm. "Levi, please consider what I'm about to say to you. Do you have any idea how concerned I was about you? I even cut my self because of what you said yesterday. Okay, fine perhaps you're depressed, and have had suicidal thoughts, but that's why you have a therapist... You still have me. I missed out on school today, just so I can see you. I can't possibly take the fact of my friend, practically my only friend trying to end his life. Please, I understand how you feel... Just... Understand that I'm your friend no matter what. I promised you that, and that promise I shall keep, and being your friend I love you. Just remember that. He nods his head, and I help him up from the edge of the building. "I love you too... I'm sorry for being such an asshole yesterday. I didn't realize how you felt, and I had no idea that you would resort to cutting." "Haha... It's fine, I guess. I didn't cut because of what you said, I cut because I was curious of what it would feel like, to feel the same pain you do. I promise that I won't do it again." "Okay." "Um one more thing. Your nurse was looking for you, and told me that your therapist was on his way..." "Oh shit, I completely forgot about Erwin." "Erwin? I'm assuming that's your therapist, right?" "Yes. I suppose I may as well go back to being in that cold prison." I take Levi by the hand, and walk with him down stairs. Sure enough, a man in his thirties, with blonde hair, was waiting for him. "Good morning Levi, and..." "Eren." "Oh! Eren. Levi's told me about you." Great, I'm sure he discussed Jean and I to him. "I should get going now, right?" "Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like you to talk with me as well. I mean, if you don't have any plans..." "Uh... I r-really should get going.." I say stuttering. "Wait, Eren!" I hear Levi calling out to me, but I ignore him, running across the hall. "Don't leave me..." I hear.


	10. Update!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This message is not part of the fan fiction, it is just an update to explain why I've been inactive!

Okay so first of all I apologize for the slight bit of inactivity. Second of all, I've been really busy with school work, and tutoring. Therefore, I haven't been able to add any chapters to the story. I'm also considering discontinuing this fan fiction because I've lost interest in it, along with the fandom in general. Although this is my first fan fiction I've posted here, it's certainly not the first fan fiction I've written on the Snk fandom. I've written two others on a personal account of mine, (I do not feel the need to sharing the account with you guys, sorry.) I have also been wanting to write a fan fiction based on another fandom. Perhaps it will not be written on this account, but another account to match with the fandom. If I decide to make that decision, then I'll give you another update. I hope you guys can take this into consideration, and understanding. Thank you, -Admin


End file.
